Game Review: Dysmantle

I got to Dysmantle because I play exclusively couch co-op games with my partner. So every once in a while, I do a search for the best couch co-op games. Dysmantle came well recommended. Because I came to it late, it only cost me $20.
 
It's called Dysmantle because you are in a dystopia dismantling everything you can with a crowbar. Seriously, a crowbar. Later, you can upgrade your implement. I came to favor the sledgehammer over most other implements.
 
The biggest positive about this game is just the amount of content. It has an enormous map with a long list of quests. Then, when you think you're done, it turns out there are underground maps.
 
The biggest negative about the game is the interface. For instance, when you sprint in this game, you don't just use the extra click on the joystick, they make you hold down the "B" key. Rather than use the "bumpers" (LB, RB) or even the triggers for game play, they go completely unused. Consequently, all kinds of stuff gets overloaded onto the four buttons (on Xbox), A-B-X-Y. It gets infuriating after a while.
 
The ethos for that clumsy, inelegant interface seems to permeate much of the game. The maps, for instance, are really clunky when implementing topological features like drop-offs, mountains, and bodies of water. Instead of implementing a landscape, they often do all kinds of weirdness that just doesn't occur in nature. Lots of the boundaries are bizarrely straight lines, as though the maps were implemented with Minecraft blocks. There is a deep list of food recipes that we almost never used because they just seemed that stupid and inconsequential; make such-and-such salad to get 25% more hit points when in some odd scenario.
 
Of course, that's all contingent on you figuring out how the game works. There are zero instructions. Google taught me how to play this game. Some of it is just extremely non-intuitive. There were a few cases where our progress in the game was contingent on picking up some obscure side-quest. Key items in the game often only gain their significance once you start a given mission. So you might have investigated some place only to find, surprise, it's different the second time around because of mission X being active.
 
There are tombs that have puzzles which you must solve in order to win a Blue Eye orb (which you need if you want your zombies to stay dead). Those puzzles are quite weak. The only challenge they present is figuring out what the goal is.
 
When you get far enough in the game, there is a DLC with pets. We got it, and boy, did it suck. You can get dogs, but those dogs don't do anything that you might expect, and plenty that you don't want them to. The game makers seemed to figure this out because they also created a whistle that will cause your dog to stay. It's crucial because those stupid dogs will constantly fall in water, trigger unwanted effects, and just about never actually attack a bad guy.
 
The plot or story or world-building is derivative drivel. They've stolen a lot from 28 Days Later in terms of the setup: on a big Island that once had a monarchy, former humans running around killing anything that moves, staid radio broadcasts about keeping one's stiff upper lip, etc. They also have these "Myth Tablets" that look like Kindergarten sketches from the special needs school. And the story they tell is asinine. There is some intrigue involving "mana" but we got through most of the game without understanding what that might be. There is no plot per se, no explicit story, and not a single other normal human in any of the maps.
 
Early on in the game, it's fun to just beat the crap out of everything. It's sort of like one of those rooms you can rent to destroy stuff. We both found it a little cathartic. Unfortunately, once you tire of that little bit of fun, there isn't much else to the game. There are (very poorly explained) objectives, but the mission design is more about forcing you to walk through a maze of unnatural landscapes only to have victory snatched away from you by the introduction of some other ancillary sub-challenge. The missions just become abusive in their inanity and lack of documentation/explanation.
 
The engineer in me kept trying to imagine how this thing was developed and for whom. So much of the content is childish. So much of the gameplay design is amateurish. Visually, it's sloppy. The plotting seems like it was written by some middle-school wannabee dungeon master. So, if I had to guess, this game would be super appealing to the 12 to 15-year-olds of the world.
 
My impression is that this game doesn't know what it wants to be. Is it a looter-shooter? Is it a farming game? Is it a resource-gathering game? Is it a dungeon to be solved? Is it a cooking game? Is it a building game? It's a little of all those things--the radial tire of games. It's okay in some of those areas, but not particularly strong in any of them.
 
All that said, we did it all, or at least I think we did. As much as I complain, it was just interesting enough to keep me going. I wanted to see where they were taking things. I was disappointed. I can tell you that replayability is near zero. Once you get through some of the annoyances they throw at you, you'll never want to see them again. It's like a really poorly written plot-based book. Once you get the answers, you never want to suffer through that prose again. Same with this game.
 
In the end, I was underwhelmed, but apparently I'm in the minority. It will appeal more to younger players. Adults will enjoy it more if they turn it into a drinking game.